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2 years without the mother I never really had

Two years ago today , my mother was removed from life support.

My sons Joseph and Robert, along with my daughter in love Rachel , were able to be at her bedside. She was also attended by devoted members of her church as well as her pastor. She was blessed and prayed for , her loved ones said good bye to her.

I was in California , deep in the bowels of an ugly divorce proceeding – my ex refused to allow an extension of time in the matter for me to get to my mother . So I was there by speaker phone , saying my goodbyes and joining in the prayers via my iPhone .

My daughter in love was kind enough to let me know the moment my mother became an ancestor.

Something broke inside me, which is very far from being healed .

My relationship with my mother was very complicated and fractured.i suppose that this is part of the reason I’m such a champion for parental bonding and it’s benefits . Benefits I never experienced but worked hard throughout my life to replicate for myself in healthy ways.

Its always a challenge- I’m consumed with envy at those who speak of loving devoted connected mothers . I’ve tried to give what I didn’t get to my sons – I wasn’t perfect – but the love and connectedness I have with my children – is truly the single greatest joy of my existence.

I’m extremely angry with my mother – and I love her deeply . My grief lives in how she , and my father , consistently chose dysfunction and their own needs over the needs of the helpless children God placed in their care. My brothers suffered greatly – and one is dead due to the profound lack of emotional , physical and spiritual protection from her.

Im extremely angry with my mother and I miss being able to call and talk to her , I miss hearing her say that she loves me. I miss the hope that one day we will heal the wounds on this earthly plane to the extent that we would truly be authentically close , and I could feel authentically seen and valued by this mother .

My mom once said to me, “ I don’t know how to support you.” I was stunned and grateful for the honesty of the admission. She did not know and she feared deeply the work required to support me. She would have had to learn to embrace parts of her self that she was terrified by – parts of herself that didn’t fit into her role as a founding mother of her baptist church and “nice woman” she chose to turn from vital truths about herself and so could not embrace me or her sons in a solid way. We children needed her to be strong and standing in self knowing and truth – she was clear that she would not do that work and allowed the chips to fall where they may . And they fell on her children – killing one, and traumatizing their rest.

Part of me hates herself for this choice. But this was the choice she made.

I’m told that she was happy to die – that she was tired. I’m sure that was true.

I love you Mommy. I hate the choices you made. I’m grateful that I found the strength to make different ones. I know that you are with god and I know that you are at peace . I know that to the best of your ability you did love me… and I’m grateful to have another vision of what it means to love and to be able to give that version to my beautiful babies. I have tools to move toward healing and I’ll continue to use them . And I know that

You cheer me on in this.

As an ancestor you are free from all that bound you while in the body – this gives me peace . Be happy Mom, be yourself , it’s ok. Your daughter loves you. Your grandchildren adore you.

Rest In Peace

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