My son wanted me to write the forward for his book, this book; and at first I was so overcome and flattered, that I didn’t take into account what the process of writing this would ask of me. That is would require me to glance backwards at some of the darkest and most despairing days of my life.

My son felt sure that what I had to say would be of assistance to parents who may be facing a similar heart-break, and I hope that this is true, but what do I say?

Seeing my son in the back seat of a police car brought me to my knees – being told that he was being arrested stomped the breath from my lungs and after a momentary recovery – simply sprung into automatic motion – I quickly surveyed the situation and decided my brain ached to find ways I could help my son through this.

Later that day, after his arrest my son was emotionally over wrought and in his phone call to me cried and begged me to forgive him for the effect of this situation on the family and myself. Somehow I found the strength not to cry – to tell him to say strong, to not ask all of the questions that were racing through my mind in that moment – but to help him to call upon his inner resources to stand strong and approach what was coming one day at a time. I tried to remind him of faith, spoke to him of God and told him that no matter the circumstances – that I , his mother loved him and we would get through this together. I assured him that his child was safe – that I would die for her. I told him that I loved him that I would always – love him.

My second thought was my grandchild, a perfect little girl of almost 5 at the time – after her father’s arrest, I ran to her and held her close, she had been awakened from her sleep by the police at her door, she saw her father being taken away – this traumatic removal of her custodial parent threw her into deep depression and night after night – this little girl would wake screaming at the top of her lungs. I took her to weeks of therapy and as she awoke in terror night after night – I prayed for her mental and spiritual health.

Then my thoughts were for my other sons who were as rocked as I was – wondering what to do? What was truth? Why was this happening? I tried to be an example of strength for them and made myself available to any and all emotions they had or needed to express.

The last person I thought of honestly, until being asked to write all of this – was myself. And to do so now is a very strange feeling. I believe that in order to survive to keep putting one foot in front of the other and be the mother my son Robert , my other sons and my granddaughter needed me to be – I had numbed myself. And as I write these words now, emotions and searing pain is what I feel.

Pain caused by the memory of my son in prison garb and the excruciating pain of seeing shackles on his wrists. This sight I will never forget – it snapped my soul in two. In my ears I heard every one of my ancestors scream in pain – a black man in chains, another black man in chains, my son – my baby. I was devastated – I was devoid of breath, I had no desire to continue to live.

But live I did – I was needed. I turned to my friends and community, to my pastor and to my God. I put one foot in front of the other and did what was needed – I am a mother – this is what mothers do.
You are about to read the words which were created by my son while he walked in the bowels of hell. These words he birthed as he got to see the depths and heights of his strength – you are about to walk a bit of his manhood journey – a journey he still walks today, with dignity, intelligence and pride. The experience of being incarcerated sparked for Robert a desire to live abundantly and not frivolously – he learned to value his freedom and came to see his place in the world. He learned that a mans true value is what he gives to his family, his community and his world.

He learned to value his family. To value me, as he had not been able to before. He learned to value himself and to see himself as I had always seen him. As an amazing and unique individual, a gifted teacher – a leader. Though I am saddened that the road to his enlightenment had to include such a devastating experience – I yield to Universal energy that this needed to be as it was.

And I can tell you this – we survived. We as a family we survived we are here. I am grateful for how we all pulled together, how my other sons circled around their niece and attempted to be the spirit of her father for her – they were extraordinary young men.

I have shared a dark memory and now I would like to share another strangle more hopeful one. After rob was arrested it was several weeks before I could arrange to bring his child to see him. At first my son did not wish his child brought into the jail – and I could appreciate this, however I did absolutely fear for this child’s mind – she needed to see her father. So I brought her, knowing that my son would possibly be angry with me. We stood on the other side of that glass Jazmine was still little enough to perch herself on the little ledge near the telephone. I will never forget the look of pain that ripped across my sons face when he saw his child, this was a look he quickly replace with a smile and sweet words for his child. He picked up the phone an indicated that she pick up the phone to speak to him. Her very first question was, “Daddy why are you in jail?” I held my breath and I immediately welled up with tears. My son responded immediately and I witnessed the little ones face, she seemed fascinated by what her father was saying and I wished that I could hear what was being said. As I witnessed their conversation – I noticed that Jazmine became brighter and chatting to her daddy about school and her little life.

Finally it was my time to speak to my son who at first – was displeased, and this hurt me. But I stood strong and lovingly insisted that as a parent the need of our children must come first, and that his child needed to see him. After a bit I asked him what he had said to her when she asked him why he was in jail. My son looked at me and said. “ I told her that daddy was in a time out…” upon hearing these words my heart was over full for love for this young man and I was filled with respect for him as a parent for finding in this most horrible moment – and finding instinctively words that would allow his little girl some understanding of her father’s absence from her side. In my heart this moment let me know that we would somehow be alright – we would survive this.

This was a moment both beautiful and ugly – it was a moment of many moments in the journey which resulted finally in my sons release and of the book you now hold. I thank you for reading it and I hope that if it falls into your hands during a stressful time – that may uplift and inspire you. That it may serve as an example of how one person came to realize what is truly of value in life. I pray that you, dear reader, always know that you are greater and stronger, than you think you are and that you are never alone. For ultimately, this is what I came to learn about myself.

Be well.
Dr. L. Samsarah Morgan, DD
4/10/12

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