Last summer I fell in love.

I did. My heart opened and my soul expanded and I fell in love. I had come to the end of about a four-year emotional drought. a vital time indeed, rich with growth and evolution to be sure. but no passion of a bodily nature. there was a part of me that i felt had moved on from such things shut down from such things. but last spring brought a lifting of some enormous stressors and the sun rose to warm my dusty heart.

I felt that something was on the horizon – a change. I felt a desire – to be a lover and I asked the universe to prepare me to receive love. not only the love of a partner but the love of life. I told the universe to use me, shape me, mold me into the vessel which could hold the love I envisioned.

And then, in a way I could never have planned. I met a man. and my body, mind and soul responded to him in powerful and amazing way. It took all I had to contain – how I felt. and I didn’t speak of it to anyone but my dearest friends. and they. like the precious girlfriends they are – were joyful for me. saying that they were so pleased – that they had never seen me so happy – and it was true. because if you had known me over the past oh ten years or so you would have witnessed me struggling to make sense and keep my sanity while in a very emotionally demanding marriage, then the break up at that marriage, the incarceration of a son, the struggle not to lose my home, the taking custody and raising of my then traumatized granddaughter. Had you known me then, you would have known me during the most difficult time in my life, since my abusive and torturous childhood.

I survived this time – I thrived actually. With the help of my beloved God and my beloved friends & precious children – and my own strength – I survived. And after that long winter, this blush of spring kissed me and gave me the desire to be open to love.

The man i met seemed perfect – I did not seek him. He sought me. And on so many levels we appeared to be very well suited. i was excited that he was a devoted father and a committed community servant. our first date wasn’t a date – it was a meeting of intellects, and souls. i felt that we connected beyond time and space – something that he himself agreed with. we spoke not of surface matters – but of our children – our pasts – our pain, and our survival. i was beyond happy and beyond curious when that evening ended – what woul d this connetion mean and what would it bring to my life? What was i willing to give to enrich the life of this man? i felt so ready, ready to love like that. Ready to learn who he was and what he needed from me. I was ready to grow my soul – and trust – and love.

About three weeks after that lovely date – and sweet phone calls and texts. Spending time together and holding hands. And feeling myself beginning to want him – it all went away. literally, just went away. he said he loved me – this was said at the end of a phone call, one where I needed support that he richly and respectfully provided. at the end of the call – he said, I love you. and I said I love you too. I hung up the phone staring at the receiver. well, what did that mean really? anything from – I like you I think you are a nice person, to I love you and want to spend my life with you – it could mean that and a million other points of understanding in between. I told myself that I didn’t want to label it at this point but I wanted to enjoy it to bask in it. The thought and feeling of it was delicious. He was the sort of man I liked the thought of loving and being loved by.

But the words, I love you seemed to poison the well. With them came a dramatic shift of energy. the phone calls stopped, the texts stopped. suddenly there was no time. Then there was a “state of the union” conversation where he reminded me that he was also seeing someone else as he was seeing me and that he had not made any decision with regard to this other person – or me. the other person wasn’t a surprise he had been quite open there – and at this time we were dating about a month, and our relationship was not sexual – so I was not concerned about this other person, and I really didn’t want to dwell on her. my feeling was that when folks are dating – they should and would come an organic point where they would either feel drawn so to each other – that they would decide to be exclusive, or not. a month wasn’t that long – and again I was in no rush other than to totally enjoy exploring the feeling of love as it might pertain to me and this man.

I let my self love  him. the sound of his voice, the hairs on his head – his smell. I let myself care – I let him in my heart, and found I liked his presence there.

unfortunately though, something else was happening for him and as I said slowly at first and then rapidly, he was out of my life. he exited while still voicing a desire for us to be “friends”. However, there was never any time to actually have a friendship. There have been many occasions where in the desire to continue to see me or know me is brought up by him – brought up but not pursued by him ever.

I took my inner child by the hand and walked her away from this man. She wept bitterly and loudly, but i led her away. because this situation quickly became very toxic for me. i was reliving a scenario from my past. a scenario of rejection – and the wounded part of me in days past would have gone on a campaign to prove to this man – that he was making the biggest mistake of his life – that i was exactly what he needed! oh the arrogance brought about by low self esteem!

At this point in my life, however, my self esteem was actually very strong. i know my worth, i know what i deserve, and it was not this. i do deserve to have a partner who thanks his lucky stars that someone like me wished to share and create a life with him. i deserve someone who is as excited about me as i was about him. someone who though life and past loves might have been challenging, was as brave as i was, and willing to open his soul to the unknown, and jump in with me into the pool of life and love. He was not – and his indecision – his vacillation plucked the strings of my self-esteem in a very painful way.

I back off and scooped up my soul. I filled my mind’s eye with prayers. I reassured my inner child of her amazing qualities and her undeniable worth. i put my energy back fully into my life. It was sad, it hurt, and I have no regret.

I am proud of myself allowed myself to feel what i felt – and though i did and still do feel anger – I know this to be only one of the stages of grief. The grief of letting go of a dream. It takes two – to make falling in love, more than just a fall, but a step into a shared future. though i am not pleased with how it all went down – i am grateful, very grateful that I wasnt sexual with someone who eventually couldn’t make even a preliminary emotional commitment to me, grateful that i didn’t hold myself back to make him feel more comfortable – grateful that i didn’t pretend – grateful that after that long emotional drought – the sweet rain of love feel in my love once again.

That was sweet.

This year, I am in love – I didn’t fall, this time. I walked into it – and my sweetheart walked with me, right beside me. Our feet are on the ground, and out passion is matched by our inner strength – we are two complicated souls – two who intimately know hurt – and yet we love. I appreciate our courage – I appreciate my will and to all I have even loved – I wish only the best always.

I thank them for being the fire which tempered my heart and opened soul – to love more deeply and completely, and to live as I believe God would ask of me – fearlessly and faithfully.

Go well, love well, my darlings.

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