Father by L. Samsarah Morgan
When I was a very little girl – I thought that my father was the most handsome man in the world. i would follow him around – my little heart aching with love for him. My soul would expand if he would look at me and smile – and his pleasure was every thing to me.
Unfortunately, my father was a very cruel and abusive man – and so he could neither see nor appreciate the gift of his children’s love. He could not feel humbled and grateful that his daughter worshiped the ground he walked on.
It took a very long time for me to realize appreciate and forgive the sickness which gripped my father’s heart, and made him a cruel and dangerous men. And it has taken longer still for me to have the inner strength for forgive my father and expel cruelty and abandonment from my life.
There is and will be forever be an empty space in my soul where a fathers love would have been a perfect fit. This space will remain empty; it is an imperfection, which builds my character. I realize now that I must not fill that space with anything else – as nothing else will ever do. In this life time – as rich and powerful as this life is – I do not get to have a “Father”. My health calls upon me to accept it, to grieve it and release it. To be strong and most of all loving -in spite of it.
My grief and anger about this – I release. I accept it. This process of acceptance is ongoing and ever evolving.
I know my own worth – though I did not get that affirmation from him. And I know that as best he could, he did love me. I thank him for teaching me what love is and isn’t, and for helping me to know on a visceral level what I should never allow in my beautiful life.
I thank my father for being a good provider. for my excellent private school education – for my healthy and life saving skepticism of doctors – for my love of learning. I thank him for my ambitions as a business person and for my ability to relate well with others. I thank him for my sense of style & how I carry myself. I thank him for my ability to survive – to endure – to think on my feet.
I forgive and love my father – and I still believe – that he was one of the most handsome men in whole wide world. I wish him a peaceful rest and I know that now, in Gods arms, he sees now and regrets what he did to me and to all of his children. I know that he watches over us in a way that escaped him in life.
I know as well, that had be been given what he needed when he was a little one – one who loved his parents more than life itself – so much would be been different. But he wasn’t – and so he couldn’t – but I am who I am in spite of it, because of it.
I send love to all Fathers. I send you the resolve to be the love your children need. I send my heartfelt thanks and admiration to all Fathers who have made the conscious decision not to pass on their inner pain to their children. You have my respect and admiration and I wish you a bountiful and blessed Father’s Day.
edited 6/21/15 Fathers Day