That morning I awoke from a night filled with unsettled and disturbing dreams. I moved slowing out of my room and was greeted by my son’s voice.
Robert said. “Mom. the trade center has fallen down.” I remember looking at him with a concern for his sanity. I turned on the CNN , there on the screen were both towers , standing as they always had , shimmering in the sun on a perfect New York September morning .
“What are you talking about, Rob? ” I questioned him , I was dee,I feel fixed. “there they are …” I pointed to the screen and stared at him .
“Keep,watching.” He said and I turned to the screen just as they first plane struck. I literally felt my soul break..I gasped for,air and fell to my knees ” they have been showing this over and over,” my son continued . ” another plane hit the other tower too they are both gone.”
I remained on my knees staring at the screen until. The second plane appeared andit plowed into the tower and then, just as my son said they would , CNN showed each buildings free fall and death. I screamed , “there are people in there. Dear god all,those people!” There were people I loved , cared for and missed. There were people I didn’t know but with whom I felt bond as deep as blood in the fact that we were New Yorkers together…those people were dying or dead, they were trying to escape the war zone which had once been their work place.
I don’t know how long I cried and I had no control of the sounds leaving my mouth, it felt like forever before remembered that my children and my grandchild were hearing and seeing me. My sons and daughter in law were young adults, and even so , they were not accustomed to,seeing me in such distress . My grandchild was an infant and certainly I. Her 7 months of live she had never heard the sounds of abject anguish, that I was permitting myself.
The challenge was to allow myself my process of grief while not adding what my children were expediting. I took a deep breath . I allowed my sons to hug me. More for them than for me really, I hugged my daughter in law and and sweet little grandchild . I remember patting her head and saying to her, “it’s ok jazzy. Nana is very upset , she is scared and sad, but she will be ok.”
My daughter in law looked at me and asked,”do you think she understands that?” I assured her that I did . That babies understand a great deal, feelings most of all. our new young mother nodded wisely and hugged me , taking her daughter into the other room crooning, NAna’s ok jazzy she’s scared for her friends and her home town .”
I watched them walk away and felt such deep love for them.. And realized that I was indeed concerned for my home town, for the people I’d once worked with and the ones I loved who I knew were probably at work in Those buildings when those planes hit. I feared as well, for our whole world. What did this all mean? Was this beginning of a war ? Would more buildings be falling ? What would we do? How could I protect them if the world had finally decided to lose the last bits of its mind today?
In my early moments of trying to grapple with the meaning of 9/11, me, a rather privileged American mother joined a world wide and desperate club, I thought of Kosovo, Bosnia, Sudan, Iran, I thought of all of the war torn corners of our planet, I thought of poverty stricken areas in this country where parents fear on a daily basis for their children’s safety and lives . I cried for them and with them – I kept my eyes and ears on the news alert for information and prayed for the guidance to maintain my sanity and my grandchild’s inner sense that she was safe, cared for and well.
It’s my opinion that things have not much improved since 9/11/01. This world remains a very dangerous place and in many ways due to how 9/11 was addressed , this world is even more imperiled than that horrible day. Everyday there are reposts of the effects of global warming and police terror . Everyday there are reports of corporations making huge profits and gaining the rights of citizens , while the human person struggles to hold on to the most basic rights of
personal autonomy and the ability to work and provide for themselves and a family.
More and more young people share with me that they do not plan to bring children into this hate filled world . And I certainly understand why they feel that way. However, I certainly hope that they don’t follow through on this thought . I fully hope that all who feel called to be parents do so.
It’s my belief that every child, born belongs to us all. It’s up to us to see them this way, to see all other human beings as our our siblings. This flies I the face of the corporate “person” who feeds on our sense of separation from each other. Think about how many corporations make money because we are taught to fear the “other”.
Money is made whenever we make a fear driven decision, or engage in a despairing action. Think about it.
Corporate persons do not hesitate in spreading their poisonous seeds about the globe. And I feel it would be the true end of all that’s worthy, if loving humans stopped connecting in love and bringing young ones into the world . Just a few well loved persons could possibly be the the change Agents needed to turn us from this tide of pain this world seems devoted to .
Even today , we see there are many good brave and conscious people working tirelessly to heal this world, to make things right … To create a space where all this earth’s children as well as other innocent creatures can live the lives designed for them, not the ones demanded by Madison Avenue .
And who knows what a few well loved and nurtured humans can make happen? I remain hopeful. I remain curious . I remain devoted . And as much as I can I urge others to feel The same.
If we give up – they win.
And this to me, is completely unacceptable.
Peace to your heart this September 11th.
Hold close those you love.
Let’s pray for and work to create a world worthy of all this earth’s children.