A Taste of Mortality – LS Morgan
Yesterday, I had felt a dull heavy pain in my chest. I felt fear and anger. I shook my heart and muttered, “you know, I don’t have time for this shit.” I didn’t have radiating pain into my arm, I didn’t feel weak – but my chest hurt, and my eyes filled with tears.
I stood up from my computer and paced my house – I hugged myself and said ” you gotta get a grip.” I took deep breaths and felt the fear move from 10 to about 5 on the meter. This was enough movement to allow me to access my situation.
I considered the fact that although I didn’t have every symptom of heart attack, pain in my chest was enough – I knew women don’t always have every symptom men do and that me, as a woman of color – might have a heart attack in a way that I couldn’t define though an internet search.
I thought about all the work I had to do. I though about the money a medical check would cost. I thought about dying. I wanted to just return to my computer and pretend that non of this was happening – i just want it to go away.
But instead, I called my trusted holistic health provider, Dr. Micheal Dobbins, Dr. Dobbins is a chiropractor and expert on holistic nutrition, I have been blessed to be under his care for almost 20 years now I called him and when he called me back, I let my frightened inner child speak to him.
“Dr. Dobbins, I was just in to see you 2 weeks ago – is it possible that I could be having a heart attack?”
He asked about my symptoms, I told him. He asked are you having sub-sternal pain – I said, yes. “Then you must go get heart attack ruled out – you must go.”
“But I don’t like doctors,” My frightened inner child said to him.
“I understand that, and you must go to find out if you are in need of any medicine – and if you do, you must do all they require – give me a call and let me know what’s going on.”
His voice was calm and clear – a bit stern, but loving. I knew and know that this man values my life, that he care about me and that his advice I have many time trusted to my best advantage. Other than this episode – I have been blessed to enjoyed the most amazing good health, due to following my instincts and this health providers advice. This provider has a million times trusted my instincts – and was never one to tell me what to do, but today, he wasn’t suggesting – he was telling me!
But my inner child had to try one more time. “But I have been under a lot of stress lately, you know – perhaps…” he cut me off ” Go..now and rule out any problem with your heart – at the very least speak to an advice nurse – now is when I send you to medicine – it’s not worth you dying in your sleep.”
I knew he was right – damn! I knew he was right – so i picked up the phone and asked my best friend to take me to Summitt Hospital. I Spoke to my son David and let him know what was happening in the most clam voice I could. He would have to supervise my granddaughter when she came home from school – and he gently agreed to care for her , make her dinner and get her to bed.
while waiting for my girlfriend, I quickly did some invoicing , I wrote my mortgage check and placed it in an envelope, and called my mother – I let her know what was going on and asked her to keep and eye on my children, should my situation prove dire. I located my will and placed it on my computer keyboard – should it be needed. I posted on Facebook, asking my buddies to please place their loving attention on my heart. as I did all of the above,, I cried and prayed that all would be alright. I cried and prayed and calmed myself. I kept wishing that the pain would stop – but it wouldn’t.
When my grandchild came home from school, I told her that Nana wasn’t feeling well and she was going to the hospital. She told me to feel better – I smiled and said I would try. By this time my friend arrived and I gave my sweet grandchild a hug. her little body felt so good in my arms, her weight and her smell – so perfect. I didn’t want to let go. I didn’t want this to be happening – I just wanted to read her story and hear about her day.
She squirmed in my arms and I realized that I was holding on to her rather tightly, she asked me, “Are you ok Nana?”
“Nana’s a bit sad – I am sorry. I don’t like going to the doctor.”
She nodded wisely, “Oh, I know Nana, I don’t like it either!”
I gave her another kiss and stroked her hair – I told her I loved her.
I hugged my first-born, who said ” I know that you are ok.” I felt an over whelming flood of love for him.
I left my house – and when I got to my friend’s car – tears over took me.
(to be continued)