In the past few days since my last post on this subject, I realize that I’d overlooked something.
I’d overlooked death itself and my history with it. Its my present understanding that i have been programmed for death since I was a very young child.
As I look back, I am hard pressed to find memories of love, peace or happiness. And those I have do not involve my primary caretakers. One of my earliest sense memories is of being a child in bed between my mother and my sister. They are both crying. I am terrified. No one touches me. Nor gives words of comfort tot he small child I was in this memory. I am just there – swirling in abject darkness. I remember wanting to be held but being unable tp make this happen. I can fell right now, in this moment the vacuum of despair in which c I felt trapped. My soul began to die. The vacuum became myself – I ceased to exist.
I continued to walk and talk. I went to school. I got good grads, but all that was vital had ceased . I got good grades – I was a good girl – I made no trouble – I followed to rules. And this allowed me to disappear from the radar of adults, and thus I was able to slide wordlessly and soullessly through my childhood.
In my heart though, in my tired and bruised child mind, my thoughts were dark and dangerous, they danced with death. i remain stunned to this day that no adult saw through my mask. no one saw the dead stare in my eyes – the monotone of my voice.
I have come to treasure this inner death this defense mechanism which resulted in a psychic lead suit drawn around my inner tender soul.
And the absence of a soul made life with my father very possible. It allows me to take a punch without flinching. For I quickly learning that if i flinched or if I ran the beating would last twice as long .
I became a cunning little jungle cat. Constantly surveying the horizon for signs of danger, and being able to move quickly to secure myself. I learned to lie. i learned to survive.
It was not until I became pregnant with my twins that a spark of life returned to me. i knew the very night that my sweet son David was conceived. a beautiful golden skinned baby boy had been visiting my dreams for an entire year preceding this night. and in one of my favorite dreams my dear Mother Mary appeared to me, holding this child in her arms, she smiles at me and says, “ This is your son, his name is David.” i awoke from this dream in tears and full of joy.
It was a few months later that I was informed that I was to have 2 babies! Robert, my cracker jack surprise, was lying there intertwined with his brother and loving me!
Being pregnant with twins allowed me to have the experience of feeling that I was a special person. For twins were a rare blessing upon this earth! I was unable to remain invisible – I had to step out of the darkness and bask in the the sunshine my children presented to me.
The birth of my perfect twin sons marked the start of my adult life and the beginning of my journey to see past death and into love and abundant living. I was able to view myself as strong and worthy and brave. i grew two strong and healthy babies and to deliver them without medications or complications.
I was able to develop a profound respect for my body and its capabilities. I was able to feel.. the back log of 18 years of repressed emotions – the rise and fall of labor, the contractions the resulted in the pushing that brought my sons to me. My contractions didn’t hurt – but they were strong and purposeful. I felt drunk in labor – drunk with joy, anticipation, hormones and love for my babies.
I was overwhelmed on a daily basis with the depth and breath of the love I felt for these two little beings.
I felt needed, by my little twin stars and I felt for the first time unconditional love from and for other human beings…
Birthing them, all three of my sons actually, birthed myself. And allowed the slow return of my soul from its hiding place and out into the world to bask in the warmth of my children’s smiles.
Thank you, my sons, thank you for my life.