A taste of mortality part 3
While on my way to the hospital – text a text to my sons, Robert and Gregory. The text said that I wanted them to know that I was on my way to summit hospital – that I was having chest pains – that I felt that this was due to stress, but had to have that belief checked out. I also said that i would be in touch later when I knew more.
I told them that I loved them. I did this this way because it is easier to send one text to 2 young men – it can be sent in a second. and doing it that way prevented them from hearing the catch in my voice as i cried. at that moment, I was unsure of what the doctors would find. And although I did have a still small voice in me which was confident that I was basically ok, I was as yet unsure and I didn’t want to get caught up in the events that may lay ahead for me in the hospital, up to and including my death – that would prevent me from sending my love to them.
Better safe than sorrow. I think that way you know – I am a person who has walked with death many times. my childhood was replete with violence and so from a young age I lived with the consciousness of my own death’s possibility.
One of the results of this is that I am a major memory maker. This was done to a destructive extreme when I was a young woman. But now with the onset of maturity and a great deal of excellent therapy – it has evolved into me being one who loves to take photographs – to capture moments, creat environments where happy memories can grow. Partly so that if God forbid I died, the love and my loving intentions towards all I love would be remembered. I made peace with the fact that I would have to die one day by embracing what I could control. The quality of life I had on this earth and the quality of connections I had with other people. Friends clients, family, but most especially my precious sons and grandchildren..
I wanted to be as prepared as I could be for what eve lay ahead and I wanted my sons to know what I have striven to tell them everyday. And for them to always know- that their Mother loves them.
By the time I had had my EKG done and was sitting on a gurney waiting to talk to the doctor my cell phone rang. It was my son Joseph – his voice was drenched with concern, but his tone was calm. “What’s going on Mom? ”
I wanted to burst into tears, but I willed myself not to. “I have had this pain in my chest – for a few days now. I thought it was going away, but it felt more intense today, so I felt it best to check it out – you know? don’t worry.. It’s probably nothing.”
There was a pregnant pause as my son considered my words. I knew that he would know that I would say words to calm him no matter the circumstances. And I knew that he was concerned and breathing through that – so as to not add to my distress. I heard him sigh, then he said.
“”Well its good that you are checking it out – that s good? Are you there alone? Who is with you?”
I told him that my friend Shekinah was there to which he said;” that’s good. What do you need Mom?” My beautiful. family therapy trained son! I love that he asked me that! But int he moment my head reeled “what did I need? I needed to be home helping Jazmine with her homework. I needed to be soaking in a hot tub – I was missing Keith Olbermann – I needed to be eating my dinner – talking to friends – teaching a class. Anything but what I was doing then, which was waiting to have a doctor tell me if I was having a heart attack!
But to my son I said. ” I am just going to hang in here and talk to the doctor – that will give me a better idea of what’s up. It it is a heart attack, of course they will keep me here.”
I heard him gently sigh – “ok well, Mom, keep me informed – if they keep you I will come be with you.” I felt overcome, yet I said calmly , or rather as calmly as I could “Yes, baby – I will keep you informed. And yes, If they kept me I would want to see you. I would want all of my sons – then. But I am hoping that everything is ok and I Will be home later. I’ll let you know one way or the other.”
“Ok Mom”
“Ok baby, I love you.”
“I love you Mom”. I hung up the phone and allowed myself to cry – my friend patted my arm. “I hate this shit. ” I muttered to myself or to her, or to God.
In about 20 more minute by nurse Cheryl showed up. She informed me that the EKG looked good but that they were going to start and IV and take blood – that the doctor would be in to speak to me in a moment. She assured me that they should have the tests results in about an hour. She very swiftly and professionally placed a IV and in what felt like a second filled about 4 vials with my blood.
(more to come)