Well after kindly doctor smiley released me from the hospital. I returned home with a chest that still hurt very much . I was assured,as well as doctors will assure one, wasn’t having a heart attack that night , nit did it appear that I had had a cardiac event earlier in the day .
I crawled into my bed and cried .
The next day I made an appointment to see my natralpath and acupuncturist. And then tried to get in with my life. I noticed actually that although my chest did hurt. It hurt less after I was assured of not having a heart attack. But the achy heavy dull ache was still there.
The first in saw was my acupuncturist, and her question to me after hearing my tale was “whom is breaking your heart? The question took me by surprise and before I could say a word- I burst into tears. I cried and cried for almost twenty minutes and when I was done the pain in my chest was reduced by half ! My acupuncturist stood close to me and smiled. And when I stopped crying she nodded, ” you are he healing yourself” she patted my hand “good.” she nodded approvingly.
My natutalpath. I call him that and I need to be clear because he is actually a chiropractor with extensive knowledge in therapeutic holistic nutrition. In call him my natrualpath because its com fusing to me to speak of him as a chiropractor when he has never adjusted me! As a matter of fact I have two perfectly wonderful chiropractors who have served me faithfully and well for years .
But Dr Dobbins has been my primary care practitioner for almost 20 years and as I have said earlier. I credit him , and my own fortitude for the robust health I am usually blessed to enjoy.
On this day my doctor asked me about the trip to the ER and what the doctors had to say. He his gratitude that I hasn’t had a heart attack and asked about what ah toms still remained. Though the sensation was markedly less it was still there And still concerning me.
He asked me to get on his table and he gave me an adjustment which was to increase blood flow to my heart and lungs. When this was done the pain was reduced about 90 per cent! I cried more tears and took a deep breath. What a profound relief!
When I got home I broke out my journal. My acupuncturists question still needed to be answered . I knew that this was in exploration was important. At this point it i was very clear that my concern was stress related. And , now with the physical squared away, it was time to sort thought all of the emotional concerns which could have settled onto my chest.
The list of concerns was long- so i took a serenity prayer approach to the matter. I sought to change then things I could, the rest in would have to accept and make peace with.
the past few years have been incredibly stressful. Finances have played a huge role in this. When my marriage ended I was months behind in everything. In was struggling to make the money I needed to support my family as well as to are from my grandchild to whom i had become guardianship.
For the past 2 years now – i have been unable to be fully engaged with my apprenticeship. and my heart-break there is that the concern and need to bring in income , prevents me from being an apprentice, which if work for which I am not paid. I long for my CPM, and the certification midwives have given to them selves in honor of the calling and history of midwifery. And try as I might, this heaviness sits on me.
Another heartbreak I identified was a result of a bout of dating i did last year – I realize that as strong as I attempted to be and as loving as I know myself to be – those months last year have left scars.. Scars that are my responsibility to attend to. I thought that had – but perhaps not completely – the scars look like self-doubt and despair – the despair of my child self at not being chosen. deep onside me still lives the lost little girl who wonders if she is worthy of love – wonders if she will ever have love. And in two encounters, I felt smacked in the face with the ambivalence and emotional dishonesty of these men.
no point of fact – this is how I felt , now actually what was done. what actually happened was that two men i dated for different reasons and with different amounts of emotional numbness and poor communication, passive aggressively made the decision not to continue dating me. certainly they had the right to make such a decision – it was how it was done that was emotionally brutal to my soul.
I realized that a very important part of my hearts healing was to create a ritual around these two experiences and to released myself from any emotional and or spiritual hold I still had to these men and the situation. My childhood pain has caused me to be addicted to pain and rejection, and there was a way my mind would wander back to my stories with these men . these stories feed the part of me that hated myself and believed in the depth pf my unworthiness.
The unworthiness stirred the part of me that wanted to die. That didn’t believe in God. That had no hope of joy or sense of myself as a whole being.
As I wrote in my journal, as I prayed and meditated, as I realized as well that in my present, very loving and respectful relationship – I was still being negatively stimulated – because my sweet and I have been unable to spend much time together due to work and his being the primary caretaker of two ill relatives. I realized that I was not speaking my truth to him about what was upsetting me – that I was being too much of a “saint”. and that that emotional dishonesty on my part was also weighing on my heart.
So In the part two weeks, I have disengaged from those who do not honor me.
I have increased my efforts to increase my income.
I have had clearing conversations with my sweetie and worked out with him what I need at bout contact and communication – very successfully I have to say!
I have taken my inner child in my arms in mediation and hypnosis and reminding myself in this way that no matter what I am my own best lover. And i reminded myself on a cellular level of the God I believe in – and that no matter any outside circumstance – I was worthy and never alone.
And finally, I actually savored that taste of mortality – I savored It and said “not yet”. I am in no way ready to die. I have not desire for it. I am actually at the highest point of my life in many ways, I am a grown up mature woman at the height of my intelligence and beauty, the height of my ability to love and teach. I am loved and respected by my students and colleagues, adored by my children and grandchildren – I am a very lucky person and it is a luck that I have made through my attention to my healing and my desire to be of service in this world.
So in the end, I am grateful for this experience, I has helped moved away some clouds that were blocking my spiritual vision and it has helped me to recommit to the rest of my life.
One day, I will die – but it’s not today. And it is my absolute desire is to meet that moment as I have met all the other moments of my life – as I met the birthing of my children. With joy, wonder, release and awe – and finally peace.